I grew up under the impression that my father held me responsible for my mother’s death, but the reality was far more tragic.
I never met my mother, and my father never mentioned her. All I knew was that she had been stunning, thanks to the photograph in his study, and that she had passed away when she was young.
My father was a somber man, quiet and distant. I longed for his attention and affection, but he remained aloof. His words to me were limited to the bare essentials—hellos, goodbyes, good mornings, and good nights. I would have done anything for him to sweep me into his arms and tell me he loved me.
This strange and strained dynamic with my father persisted until I was 18. By then, I had become a sad, lonely young woman who believed my father despised me. If he didn’t love me, who would?
The answer to my questions came in the harshest and most painful way imaginable. My father hosted a party for his business associates, and among the guests was a woman I knew slightly.
“If you don’t leave the past behind, you deny yourself a future”
I suspected that she and my father shared some history—or at least she wished they did. She greeted me, and we began a casual conversation about nothing significant. Then my father walked by. I gave him my brightest smile, but he immediately looked away. The woman noticed.
“Do you know why?” she asked.
“Why what?” I asked, puzzled.
“Why he hates you,” she said.
“My father doesn’t hate me!” I protested. “He’s just not very demonstrative.”
“So you don’t know…” she smirked. It was the ugliest smile I’d ever seen. I was about to leave when she said, “He believes you killed your mother, Karen.”
I froze. “What?” I gasped.
“Your mother died giving birth to you; surely you know that?” she added.
“No, I didn’t know…”
I turned away from her and went to find my grandmother, my father’s mother, who had raised me without ever telling me about my mother’s death.
“How did my mother die?” I demanded angrily. “Was it in childbirth?”
My grandmother shook her head. “Please, Karen, your father asked me never to discuss this with you.”
“I have the right to know about my own mother!” I cried. “I have the right to know why my father hates me!”
Then I heard a quiet, angry voice behind me. “I don’t hate you, Karen, but your mother’s death is none of your business.”
I turned to face my father. “My mother’s death is none of my business? You’re wrong! I killed her, didn’t I? That’s what you think every time you look at me!”
The look in his eyes made me run out the door. I got into my car and drove aimlessly, tears streaming down my face. In my distress, I didn’t see an oncoming car changing lanes until it was too late.
I woke up in the hospital, hooked to a beeping machine, pain dull but ever-present throughout my body. My father was by my side, holding my hand.
Tears welled in his eyes. “Thank God you’re alright! I’m here. I don’t hate you, Karen. I love you. And I don’t blame you for your mother’s death; I blame myself.”
“When your mom and I married, we were very poor. All we had were dreams and our love. Then she got pregnant, and I took a second job, knowing we’d need the money when you arrived. I worked 16-hour days, and she spent a lot of time alone.”
“One day, I came home, and she wasn’t there. A neighbor had taken her to the hospital. By the time I got there, it was over. Your mother had died, and I hadn’t been there for her.”
“I didn’t blame you, Karen; I blamed myself. I was determined not to fail you as I had failed her, so I threw myself into my work and became a rich man.”
“Daddy, how could you blame yourself?” I asked. “There was nothing you could have done!”
“I could have been there, holding her hand, just as I’m holding yours now,” he said.
“But Daddy…” I hesitated. “You were always so angry with me, so cold. You ran away from me.”
“Karen, you look just like your mother, and every time I looked at you, my heart broke with grief and guilt. It took nearly losing you to make me realize what I had done. I love you.”
For the first time in my life, my father embraced me and showed me his love. It was a new beginning for both of us, and I like to believe my mother was smiling down from heaven.
